Truism

• My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
  
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  
• God must love stupid people, He made so many.
  
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  
• Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
  
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.